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Growing up on the mean streets of Ohio was no easy task from Ron. He experimented with such drugs* as LSD and paprika messed Ron up big time. On eight occasions he was arrested for indecent exposure causing him to have to register as a sex offender (explaining why he isnt allowed in the Ground Round to this date). "I used acid too", he admits. "I was young though. Oh, when was... '70... seventy-five, seventy-six... about seventy five times" Soon enough Ron joined a gang, which, instead of drugs this time, experimented with greasy fatty foods. His mother began to catch on with his wrongdoings and they moved to Austin Texas. There, they were stalked by the Son of Sam's dog, Satan, for several years. Thirty years later some report hearing the dogs tortured screams in the Popeils house. "¡MI CASA ES PEREZOSA!" echoes throughout the halls. However it was on the eve of April 57th, 1967, Ron attended his first cook-off. Unfortunately, there, he was molested by his stepfather "Miguel" Jackson.
Soon, he began to mingle with hoboes and soon joined them. For three years he was the king of hobo boxing. They called him the "Fighting Salmon", due to his remarkable resemblace to one. One night, in the 1980's after seeing the re-make of "The Fly" (VINCENT PRICE IS GOD), he and his hobo friends Angry Arnold and Enraged Ernest* baked outta their skulls. Ron had a strike of genius; he would try to make a portal, much like that of the one in "The Fly". For several days, he toiled gathering parts and assembaling it. He used Angry Arnold's fake hip and many rolls of tin foil, but most importantly: He used the ribcabe of a partially mutiated postalworker. At aproximately 11:06 PM (according to the police report), the trio found a kitten and place in the ribcage. For hours they stared blankly at the machine doing nothing. They all agreed that they should turn on the electric motor. Slowly, a high pitched ring brewed in the three's ears. The cat began to yowell. In thirty minutes, the cat was cooked completely. Enraged Ernest reached for the cat and began to eat. They all agreed that this was the best cat they have ever had. This inspired Ron to create his latest invention: THE SHOWTIME ROTISSERIE & BBQ
His ideas now echo throughout Saturday morning television in form of the infomercial. Thought, when the camera isn't on him, he is a man of few words, scientists have discovered he is half salmon and thats good enough for us. He is the inventer of the century. A god in the cheif world and a remarkable citizen now trying to keep boys off the street and in the kitchen. Next time you see Ron on T.V. take heed for he might swallow you through his gills. Take caution... 
*the author of this site in no way supports drug use
UP WITH HOPE! DOWN WITH DOPE! |
